Emotions

I've always been the type to put my heart on my sleeve. I always felt like I had so much love to give but no one to give it to. I gave it to people who needed it but just momentarily. My brother says I get attracted to broken people because I think I can fix them. He might be right but then again, when is he not?

We always want people to meet us halfway as it takes two to tango and two hands to clap. Sometimes though, we tend to go further than what we should and we reach a point where we aren't just waiting for a dance partner, we are literally teaching them to dance or we aren't just holding out a high five, we're taking the other person's hand and asking them to clap with you. We give everything to people and they become the centre of what we do and how we do it. I'm driven by emotions. That's just how I work. When I love, I love full heartedly and do all I can for the people I love - be it my best friend, my family etc.

But there comes a point in life when you ask yourself - what about me? My dad told me the other day, 'Joo Lee, it's your life.' The immediate thought that occurred to me was 'what do I do if my whole life revolves around the people in it, not myself?' You get torn between doing what you want and what others want. It's like a balancing act that isn't about you. It's about how your decisions affect people and your support group. I'm very much influenced by the moods of those around me. Yes, I do have my off days but if my peppy best friend comes by and is all happy go lucky, I'm back to my crazy self. Many people think sometimes I'm moody when I'm quiet. That's far from the truth. I'm basically at that point when I'm merely just lost in thought because I over analyse everything and everyone. A person has many faces and sides to his or her personality. I just try to be happy all the time so as a result, when there's a sudden subdued version of myself, people panic.

It's been a long hard year - this 2012. And it's only reaching mid year. I have many decisions to make. It seems like the ones I have to make now are those that basically mould my future and myself as a person. How far do I go for someone? Is it the right decision? One thing I fear though is regret. I hate what ifs and what could have beens. I always say the book cannot continue until the chapter is complete. That's how I feel - that many of the stories in this chapter are not complete and right. You want to make it right. You want it to end the way you always envisioned it. But the sad thing about life is that sometimes you're not the author even though it is your life. Things can only go your way if those involved choose to act the way you want them to.

So, if right now you have decisions to make and regrets to avoid - what is the point where you just let it all go? When is it the right time to say 'okay, maybe it's time to do what I want!' Many people insist on following what we think is right but it's much easier said than done. The decisions you make affect others. The emotions involve in letting go and just walking away are much harder to face than the ones you endure when you hold on.  Life is what you make it? Life is what we want it to be? I don't know. It's something that I have been forced to face. Where is the line drawn between loving yourself and putting yourself first as compared to loving others and thinking about others before yourself? That's the big question now.

That question then dictates what I want to do. Right now, it's a big old question mark. I want to make people happy. But I want to be happy. Is there not an area between the black and white that can favour both? I don't want to be in the grey area either because that's just plain uncertainty! Can you imagine living your life everyday with uncertainty? That's what I wake up to everyday for the past month plus.

One thing is for sure as of now, I got a big dose of reality. I'm in the grey area and honestly, I'm sick and tired of it. I'm tired of having to take everyone's feelings into consideration when no one thinks about my feelings or what I want. I'm tired of people walking over my head and just taking advantage of the fact I'm nice and sympathetic. I'm tired of not knowing what I want and listening to what others want instead. Can everyone just make up their mind and not be so indecisive? Maybe then it'll be so much easier for me to just get on with a decision and stick to it with a clear mind.

I have to choose; myself or everyone else. The scary thing is I'm a person that once I walk away and make a  decision - I stick to it.

XoXo,
Jules

The Path Onto A New Chapter

I got rejected by the National University of Singapore.

Talk about being blunt and straight to the point, right? I kind of expected it really. I laughed when I saw the email. And amazingly... I'm not the least bit upset. How surprising. I mean maybe it's cause I didn't place my hopes up. Okay maybe I didn't have hopes at all. Also, if I were to choose to go to Singapore to pursue my studies, my choice university would be the Singapore Management University which I have yet to hear from. I've become indifferent to what the outcome is actually. Honestly, it may seem like I already set my mind in going to the UK and I know if the university (SMU, that is) decides to not accept me, I have another solid and very appealing option already in the works.

I did also get my SAT results back too. I got a 1810. Well, I don't know what that means exactly but I know I killed my writing section. I got a 11 out of 12 for my essay and scored within the 91% of the National Percentile of people who sat for the test. I think that's good. But, SMU did state that I should at least get a 1900 to have a competitive advantage. It was the darn Mathematics section that screwed me up. I haven't done a math equation in like 3 to 4 years and then suddenly I need to recall all that I forgotten back? All I have to say is that for someone who didn't even know what the SATs were and had to study on her own for more or less a month, I did okay. Once again, I've taken on a nonchalant attitude towards the whole scenario. If SMU sends me a rejection letter, all I have to do is apply to HELP University and that's it.

Honestly speaking, I could do that now and have a plan set in motion. I don't really have to want to go to Singapore anymore anyway. So, what is holding me back? I think it's the fact that I don't want to apply to HELP and then have an offer letter from SMU come to my doorstep or email. I want to have that option there if needed be I take it. It may be selfish and very much childish of me but I want the option to run if things here get rough. I'm a coward maybe but I'm just human I guess. It's because I've never had the chance or option to run away from things when they get hard or don't go my way. I've always put on a strong face and faced my challenges head on like any other adult would. Many would now think, 'Oh my God, this girl just turned 20. What kind of hardships would she have? She's barely started life.' That's very very true but everyone has their set of challenges that need to face. Yours and mine may be very different and it may seem like life has barely begun and I'm already complaining. But, we shouldn't judge. What I find to be difficult, you may find to be easy. Anyone and everyone no matter how old has to deal with things. Mine for myself, has just been very draining and tiring, just as yours has been for you.

Anyway, with that said, freedom and independence also are two things that I long for very much. That's what I'll get if I go to Singapore. Being the only girl and the youngest, I've been over protected my whole 20 years of life and I want to be able to make my own decisions. Basically, I want to be in control of my life. I need to breathe and stop being smothered. I love and am beyond appreciative for my support group and parents who have sheltered me and kept me from harm. But sometimes you just want to be break free and live life on your own terms. It may be scary at first but I think I need to learn a thing or two on my own which I won't be able to if everyone keeps trying to catch me before I fall.

These are just thoughts and wants that play 20% of my final decision. I may be emotionally driven but I do keep my brains in making decisions that affect my life.

I've weighed cost of both Singapore and a UK transfer degree. They are more or less the same when cost of living is taken into consideration as well as HELPs scholarship and Singapore's tuition grants. Also, the road beyond my degree has also been thought of. Choosing UK, I get a better and more relaxed studying university environment that makes the transition to studying the BAR much easier compared to Singapore's highly competitive setting that needs me to stay an extra 4 years to pay back the tuition grant and do a compulsory internship. Also, I need to ask when does my BAR or practice license come into play in Singapore? UK is much more appealing to a law student and opens up many doors especially in commonwealth countries.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Before I make any, I want to know what SMU says. And if they reject me, well, I was just meant to always go to HELP and UK.

For now, I just wait. *AIYO*

XoXo,
Jules

I Miss The Rain

My favorite weather: The Rain.

About two weeks ago, it was raining almost every day, cats and dogs and cows. My mom would be in her room screaming, 'DAMN IT! All the dirty clothes going to pile up! GAH!' My brothers would be cursing at the fact a huge storm implies all systems down on the computers and television. My dad? Dad wouldn't be at home. He'll be stuck some where in a bumper to bumper jam, getting stressed about work with his grouchy grumpy face that looks like a small boy who just dropped his ice cream. Me; I'll in my room relaxing and listening to the storm outside whilst daydreaming or most probably cuddled in my blanket, fast asleep.

Ever since I was a kid, I loved the rain. I loved listening to it. I loved walking in it. I loved looking at the drops fall. I even like songs about the rain. My rain anthem was Hilary Duff's Come Clean. 'Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams, let it wash away my sanity, cause I wanna hear the thunder, I wanna scream, let the rain fall down, I'm coming clean.' Recently, it rains more at night. (HEY! Maybe that's why I refuse to wake up early! It's always too comfortable cause of the rain!) 

Anyway, it stopped raining! And I miss the rain. I really do. Yeah, yeah. It may cause traffic jams and floods and technology especially Astro won't work and maybe a few accidents happen. Okay, the rain sounds depressing but in the rain's defense, accidents happen cause people drive too fast in the rain. 

The rain is so freeing. I remember once, my best friend back then and I went dancing in the rain for the first time when I was about 17. I felt all my stress go away. Plus, I felt sexy since for some reason, many think girls dancing in the rain is sexy. The day we buried my grandmother this year, two of my brothers and Sharm, my closest cousin went back to my place and just stood in the storm till we were drenched. It was a bittersweet moment for all of us.

The rain makes me feel relaxed and emotionally better. Some people get depressed when it rains though. That's sad. I enjoy getting a nice cup of tea on a rainy day with close friends or maybe in my room alone with a good movie. Don't be freaked but if I'm having a really bad day and it rains, I use to cry to just get it all out there. Or maybe just stay in bed the whole day. 

Plus, the rain makes me think a lot of good times and maybe broken friendships and lost loves. Stuff like that. It gets me all reflective on life and maybe a bit more appreciative. It strips away everything we distract ourselves with. Technology, going somewhere, watching something. We're so simple when it rains. Oh, and the rain reminds me of times spent with special people. I might get a dog and name it Rain.

But two exceptions, I can't drive the way I usually do when it rains. All fast and sexy. And I DO NOT like the Korean singer, Rain. He's... annoying.

xoxo,

Jules

Procrastination at its best

I've been bumming around since the month of April and it's starting to get to me. Yeah, I spent the month studying for the SATs and maybe partying around. At least I was doing something last month and I think I was still active. Waking up earlier and stuff like that.

This month of May is a whole other level, I swear. I've always been a productive person and someone who has to do something everyday whether it's just running on the treadmill to get a good work out. Or just reading a book. These days.. I do.. well.. NOTHING. And no, watching God knows how many romantic comedies and Hindi movies is not counted as something productive to do.

I don't even exercise anymore or control my diet. For those who know me, that is so huge cause for the past like three years, I've taken down what I eat and made sure I worked out at least four times a week. My days are simple now. I wake up at like 4pm, look for food, maybe shower, watch television, eat, lay in bed with the computer and then sleep at about 7am then do it all over again. I do believe in the occasional sleeping the whole day just so you can days but key word: occasional.

I go out every now and then just to get myself sane and I spend money. Money that is suppose to be in a savings account. Simple accounts: money go out while no money goes it makes money less. A lot less. =( So now, I basically am becoming broke. And gaining weight like a big old elephant. This is not good! I get so bored. It doesn't help that summer break is like in two weeks in the US and all the shows that I watch will be going on hiatus/break so I won't have anything to watch for the next few months.

So, why am I overly free and suddenly so lazy? I have no freaking idea! University admissions have come to a standstill since I'm still waiting for Singapore to accept or decline me and it is taking forever. I could just send HELP my application and be getting ready to enter classes in about a month which would be cool. I miss studying. I miss having something to do. Universities need to a little more considerate to those waiting applicants whose life basically becomes blank while waiting for their yes or no.

The only thing I do that's productive is my mandarin classes every Thursday but that too will end next week if I choose not to do the next level. I don't know if I should. If I even want to. My brother is all for it and so is my dad but I don't want to. Maybe I'm just sooo lazy. Oh my God! What's happening to me!?

That is it! Tomorrow I'm waking up at 10.30am and figuring this out. I WILL work out tomorrow if it's the last thing I do! Gah, bed, why do you have to be so comfortable. Weather, why do you have to tempt me to sleep?!

I'm going to go crazy if I keep succumbing to laziness. Go away procrastination. Shoo! GO AWAY!

I miss the old Joo Lee. I miss only being able to sleep four hours a day cause my schedule is so packed. And I seriously pity my circle of people especially Sara. She has to deal with my random texts and calls screaming I miss you! And she has a job that keeps her on her feet for 9 hours. I have such a good best friend!

Oh, and you know you've become too free and bored when you signed up for a twitter account, are online for 20 hours on facebook and start stalking people and randomly saying hi.

XoXo,
Jules

Superpowers

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. You know those nights where for some odd reason you keep getting up every other hour? Yeah, had one of those. The wind was extra strong at 3am too. I could hear my neighbor's zinc roofs about fly off and hurt someone. Now, that would have been a sight! I wonder if there would be blood? Not that I would want anyone to get hurt or anything!

Anyway, it's so hard to figure out what you want to write about on a daily basis. Some choose to write bout' issues that bug them, others give reviews, others post their literature, others just talk about their lives. So, I was wondering what do I want to talk about today? Well, there is one thing I have been harping about in my mind for the past week. It may be lame but it's 'superpowers'! If I could have any superpower I want, it'll be to teleport to anywhere I want in like a second and to read peoples minds (only when I want to though cause I'd get a massive headache if I had to like hear a hundred people think bout what to wear or eat or do or think bout or... you get the picture). 

So what superpowers would you want? I have valid reasons for the ones I chose. =)

Why teleportation? Well, one is to avoid the crazy traffic jams even though I LOVE driving. Two is.. if you want to be there for someone or see someone, you could just do it. You would not need to ask for permission or sneak out or lie or have someone tell you no. You'd just lock your door and think bout' where you want to be or who you want to be with and poof! You're there. It makes life easier. No long distance relationships or best friends having to go through things on their own or transportation cost and problems. Plus, I could go around the world in less than 80 days. Take that Jackie Chan! (He acted in the movie for those who don't know) This power would come in handy don't you think? Oh yeah, the best reason for teleporting.. I never have to wake up early ever again! The word 'late' would never ever be in my vocabulary. Darling, if that ain't reason enough for wanting this power, I don't know what is.

What was the second one? Oh yeah, mind reading. Maybe this choice had a lot to do with the fact I'm female. I know as a woman, I always ask the same question to my guy friends. The infamous 'What are you thinking about?' Yeah, you guys know what I'm talking about. It gets annoying for the guys and it gets tiring for the girls so everything will be so much more easier with mind reading. I would be able to tell when someone is lying or thinking about something they shouldn't be thinking about. Wait, not THOSE kind of thoughts! The ones like you know robbing a bank or something. I know, total invasion of privacy! But it wouldn't be my privacy that got invaded so too bad for you! Plus, there wouldn't be any communication problems you know?

A random post about.. something random.

XoXo,
Jules

Turning 20

It's been five years since I've blogged, more or less.  I don't know why I choose this moment to start writing again. Maybe because I need something to just fill up my time or maybe because I just miss writing. Who knows?

I turned twenty this year. The majority think the big two one is more important than twenty. But for me, the huge fat TWO in my age makes a difference.. 21 is when you're an adult. When you're 19, you're still have the teen in your age. So what is twenty? Something to think about is it not? =) Anyway, every new years, I throw out a prediction of how the year is going to be, just for the heck of it. They amazingly do come true, somewhat. For 2012, I said 'this year is the year of major changes'. Boy, was I right.

So where am I in my life? In the beginning of the year, I got dumped. Yup, right on 2nd of January. Talk about a way to start the year. I wouldn't call it a relationship cause it lasted as long as Britney Spear's first marriage (72 hours I think). From that moment on, it was all focus on myself and what I want to do this year. I mean, I had so much on my plate already so why add on a complicated relationship that might not even last what, 6 months?

I was waiting for my A Level results and had nothing to do so I went and got a job which was pretty decent. Good pay for someone who didn't have a degree or corporate experience. Two days before my results came out and my dad's 59th birthday, my paternal grandmother passed away suddenly after two weeks in the hospital following a major heart attack. I felt like kicking myself. It was the first time I had to live with the what ifs and the should haves, could haves, would haves. Damn, I don't think I'm a bad person but it's the part where I could have been a better person that messes with my mind. One minute I had a grandmother, the next I didn't. It made me realize that I was holding on to a lot of things I should have let go long time ago. And when I laid my beloved to rest, I laid many other things to rest too. My family especially the cousins became closer and I didn't feel any ill feelings anymore. I felt.. free and at ease. Honestly, when she first passed, I was angry. Why couldn't she have held on till my dad's birthday was over? Why now? Call me selfish, I'm human. But.. well, these kind of things don't have any explanations do they? At least now she's reunited with her husband after 40 years apart. And the amount of prayers we say for her, I wouldn't be surprised if she went on the express train to heaven when she passed.

My A Levels results came out on my dad's birthday. They were okay results in my mind. Could have done better but what's done is done. I became all psyched about leaving and going overseas. Trust me, good results tend to be the ticket out of anywhere. I never had the urge to leave Malaysia but when you're given a real option to leave, you get engrossed with the idea. Currently, I'm still waiting for my replies. I just sat for my SATs which was a prerequisite to one of the universities. I quit my job to study for the SATs because I had no idea what the whole exam was about. The only problem is when you have so much time and as the date gets nearer to leaving, things change.

Life is never stagnant. It changes, sometimes overnight, sometimes longer. Mine decided to do the whole up down sideways thing. Do I really want to leave my home? I never did before, I was content. It doesn't help that now I feel that if I go, I'm giving up more than I would gain. It doesn't help that things that I wanted in the past now seem possible in attaining. It doesn't help that I found people who I love greatly and could never imagine my life without; yes that means you my best friend for life, Sara Bubba! I can easily do a UK Transfer Degree Program and buy myself two more years here then do a year overseas in the UK, widen my options rather than go to Singapore and have my road end there. Wouldn't the UK be much more of an eye opener than somewhere similar to what I already have?

There are many decisions to make this year. Many that are basically going to affect my whole future. I'm excited and terrified and absolutely torn. I don't know what should be done and what I should do. Do what I want or do what others want me to do? Yeah, it's my life but my life.. even though it may seem like it did, never revolved around me.

So.. Now what? This is what I call turning twenty!

XoXo,
Jules