Happenings and 2nd Chances

I have been extremely busy this past week with so many events and people. 

Well, first off I went for my first ever concert! Jason Mraz's tour is a four letter word concert was amazing of course. Even though I only knew only 50% of the songs, I totally enjoyed myself thoroughly. I am now a Jason Mraz lover. He has a talent for writing the most beautiful and meaningful lyrics. Bella Luna and Mr Curiousity has to be one of my favorites from the songs I have never heard. But of course, I sang and danced along to the must know songs from him like You and I, The Remedy, Lucky and I Won't Give Up to name a few. He is an artist and musician, not just a plain singer. That man can play a guitar, ukulele and piano like no other. The ticket was a birthday surprise from my darling close friend and sister Amanda. She has introduced a new experience to me that has gotten me hook. The next concert? Maroon 5! I am definitely going for their concert on the 20th of September. Adam Levine up close is something I will not miss! I'm convincing my father to purchase the ticket for me since he didn't get me anything for my twentieth birthday. I cannot wait.

On to the other things... Over the weekend, I was in Ipoh which is a little further up north for a Junior Youth Camp run by FLAME. FLAME stands for Foundations for Leadership And Moral Empowerment. FLAME works with Corporations in conducting youth developmental programs with schools and colleges. For more info, please do go to http://valueadd.com.my/FLAME/ Anyway, it was the first time I was involved in FLAME and boy, did I enjoy it. I just realized this week was filled with a whole lot of firsts. I learnt a lot from those there. I find it especially inspiring that my uncles and aunties can come up with these camps and have the determination and strife to make sure all of them are a success. They basically dedicate so much time and love to these youth camps and change the lives of these youths one by one. They focus on values and qualities that youths need to get through life. They give them a spiritual foundation to make decisions for both the present and the future. These kids, they come and leave a different person. Even if you can't see it, you know that there has been a change in their way of thinking and analyzing situations.

This FLAME camp focused on a couple of values such as respect, trustworthiness, responsibility and sense of purpose. The school we went to was a tamil speaking school which made language a little hard for us but at the end of the day, we could converse in a mixture of languages. The main point was to get the point across and ensure the lesson is understood. I cannot wait for the next camp. I also have another goal this half of the year. I want to focus on my Junior Youth group. I have a JY group of two kids who are amazingly my cousins. It's been going on for a couple of years but I think it's time to up the levels a little and take it more seriously. I never thought of myself as an animator. An animator is basically the person who tries to guide the participants onto the right track. Just to ensure they don't get distracted too much. The group however, is basically in charge of everything else. They have a series of books they have to complete and maybe a couple of projects they do. They choose the time and venue of the classes and even the projects they want to embark on. My group has completed the first two books and have done the car wash project and joined forces with the other groups to clean up the neighborhood park. It took me awhile but I have come to my senses. This is my way of giving back and my service to my community. I need to make the best of it and also, they are my younger cousins. I have a responsibility to them to do the best I can. FLAME, Junior Youth Gatherings and being part of the events going on such as holy days and 19 Day Feasts, I think I will see a nice change in my life. I cannot wait.

I have to say, it's the middle of the mid year point of this year and 2012 you are still amazing me with the way you're turning out to be. Change is something that has been very obvious and often in this year. With the amount of passings and the amount of births and pregnancies. Oh yeah, three of my cousins are pregnant! CHEERS! The moving out will eventually take place this year and university starts in a week and a half. Not only has change come but life is somehow giving me so many opportunities. Before this, it was constant challenges and now it's constant opportunities. Opportunities to choose a different path, neither being worse or better off than the other. Opportunities in the form of second chances at things that I never thought I would have a try at again. And the most interesting opportunities are those given to get myself closure and to stand up to what I would have shied away from previously. Seriously, I can see how I've changed. How I've grown.

I seriously am so eager to see what else this year holds for me. Fingers crossed and here's hoping it's all good.

xoxo,

Jules

Parents

I was talking to one of my best friends, Joshua over skype the other day. He's currently in Melbourne and has to be one of the people I love more than life itself. Anyway, Joshie and I usually talk about things happening in our lives and other nonsense that make us laugh our heads off. But one topic did come up that interested me and I thought maybe I could share some of my thoughts about it with you.

Basically, he and I started talking about relationships and where parents stand in the whole grey area of our lives. My parents and I use to have a sort of close relationship but with many disagreements with their over protectiveness. My father if he could, would hide me in the house and protect me from the world for the rest of my life. He's keep me in his shirt pocket so nothing bad would happen to me. That's sweet right? He always says that I am the one thing that matters in his life but that also gives me the power to hurt him the most. Anyway, it comes to a point where I couldn't throw the trash at night and not being able to drive on my own even though I've had my license for ages.

Recently however, with me turning twenty, having a full time job and now going on to university, the reins have loosened a fair bit. I drive every where myself and I go out more often. I even most probably will be staying on campus. Yeah, the normal rules of not staying over at people's houses and no short pants still apply but those rules kind of stuck to me and became more of what I think is right for myself. We all know I would never look good in short pants anyway. I basically have freedom now but I still need to tell them where I go, with who and they constantly call me and nag me about safety. Who could blame them with idiots people causing crime everywhere? I mean are people so desperate and unable to even get a job that they need to beat up old ladies to get money or constantly kidnap women? I mean seriously?

Anyway, the one part of my life that my parents still weigh in on are the relationships I have with guys. When I was younger, I would usually throw a fit with my parents if they didn't approve or just hide it from them which was more often than the former. That was in the teenage years. But I had my first 'serious' boyfriend when I was about 18 and what was different this time was I actually asked for consent from my parents. Well, my mom said no. However, she always and I mean ALWAYS says no. She thinks no one is good enough for me and never likes anyone I mention. She's my mother. That's why it's gotten to a point where her opinion matters but her decision.. doesn't play as crucial a part. I place a lot of importance of my dad's point of view though. My dad amazingly said and I quote, 'I'm not saying yes but I think it's something you need experience and is part of life.' The rest was history. He was amazing, my dad. Being all understanding when the boyfriend came to take me out and even drove us back from the mall once. But he obviously predicted the outcome when a year later the relationship went up in ruins and ended badly.

After that incident, I learnt how to talk and discuss with my parents though. That is the main lesson learnt from that relationship. The communication between my parents and I has moved forward leaps and bounds. I appreciate their opinion and they give me space to think on my own. But something told me, I shouldn't have involved them SO early even though at the time, it seemed the best thing to do. There were complications with parents during the relationship that could have been avoided and were really unnecessary.

Turning 20, I take my relationships with anybody and everybody much more seriously than years back and the conclusion that I've come to is that I will only involved the parents when I myself feel like the relationship is going to go somewhere and last. I do not see any point in telling my parents about someone who might just be around for 4 months and get them worked up over nothing. It also keeps the strain off my relationship with the guy and with my parents. I told my mom this recently. I told her I'm old enough to need my space and figure things out on my own. My uncle and one of my aunts told me that in the beginning, the parents just need to allow their kids who are no longer children to think things through on their own. There will come a point in time when the parents need to intervene but when it's so early on, just give the kids space. I totally agree unless there is a valid reason that is so solid for them to intervene like the guy killed a dude or something.

The only hard part is balancing everything. How much to tell, how much to filter. When to tell, when not to tell. It just goes to show - life is and always be a balancing act.

Just remember: everything in moderation.

xoxo,
Jules

Decisions Made!

It's been awhile since I updated this new blog of mine. I've been so caught up with life and its curve balls. So, to be blunt and straight to the point - Singapore is out of the picture. I got rejected by Singapore Management University! It kind of reconfirmed what I already decided to do. Before that, I spent 5 days straight in bed. I just kept sleeping and maybe getting up to have a bite or a shower. It's what I do when I have a problem and I can't figure out what to do. 

The final decision made is to go the HELP University in Damansara. I basically do my LLB - 2 years here and a year in UK. My dad wants me to go to Cardiff University. Well, we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it. I think my classes will be at 8am and end at 5pm. The jam from my home will be way too massive. I'd basically have to be up by 530am and leave by 615am to be there on time. By the time I leave university and get through the evening jam, I might only be back by 7pm. I'll be so tired! And the amount of cash that will be spent on petrol itself. Gah, I can feel the fatigue already. So, with all that and the fact if one car breaks down, my mom will start insisting on sending me to and fro which is a no go at all for me. 

That's my university! I went there to represent my high school in the inter school debate competition a few years back so at least I'm not going in blinded. And I do have a few friends there already; both from my previous college and high school, even childhood friends. 

Anyway, my parents and I decided it would be best for me to stay on campus. So that's what I'll be doing! Yay! I get my space and am able to be all independent. It'll be so much more convenient for me. No travelling and a bit more freedom. I get worried sometimes that my parents are not able to 'let go' of me. It's hard at home cause I'm not even allowed to throw the trash outside if I'm alone. It's not like I'm caged up in the house but my parents are so worried something might happen to me. I know that the world is not as safe as it use to be especially for a woman BUT we should not be living in fear. They cannot protect me forever. I will eventually need to go out into the world and fend for myself. It is better to learn now while I can still choose to come back than to just suddenly be forced to take care of myself years from now. Plus, 2 years from now I need to overseas. This small change will help with the big change coming up.

Anyway, I will only be living on campus on weekdays and be back on the weekends. It is a precondition my dad gave to me for me to be able to get an allowance. Honestly? It's expensive. Especially Damansara, the rich man's area. My fees is about 22000 but I get a scholarship of 5000 so that's 17000 a year. My rent itself is bout 630 a month? Living expenses? 500? I mean if you calculate everything, it doesn't come up even close to my brothers university expenses. I tell myself that to ease the guilt I feel for even going to university. The only thing I can do is work my bum off in year 2 to get a scholarship for my year in UK. That's the year that worries my dad. Ah, the stress I go through!

However, after having made this decision, I felt a burden ease off me. I feel so relieved. Now I can focus on getting myself back into shape. I need to get healthy again cause the Lord knows that after leaving my job, I've become so lazy and unhealthy, it's not funny. I do worry though bout' other things like my best friend, my parents and so on but these are things that I cannot control. I'm forcing myself to eat less and start exercising again. That I can control. And plus, I need to look good for university! I'm so worried and terrified. Sara is suppose to join me in a few months and even share my room with me. But what if she doesn't come?! Sorry, side tracked. I've been experimenting with looks and basically this is how I look now.

Hopefully this look sticks. My other best friend, Joshua says I change my appearance all the time. But I kind of like this one. =) With all these things going on, I can't focus on the whole 'love' area of my life which is good. I don't want to. Not just yet. Remember, don't think about things you cannot control. I just want to go with the flow now. 

Matters of the heart can wait.


Oh yeah, I started eating breakfast and I made pancakes today. It was an attempt that failed numerous times. But finally the last batch came out alright. It was edible and tasted so much better with the cup of orange juice I had with it. Took an instagram.

xoxo, Jules

Emotions

I've always been the type to put my heart on my sleeve. I always felt like I had so much love to give but no one to give it to. I gave it to people who needed it but just momentarily. My brother says I get attracted to broken people because I think I can fix them. He might be right but then again, when is he not?

We always want people to meet us halfway as it takes two to tango and two hands to clap. Sometimes though, we tend to go further than what we should and we reach a point where we aren't just waiting for a dance partner, we are literally teaching them to dance or we aren't just holding out a high five, we're taking the other person's hand and asking them to clap with you. We give everything to people and they become the centre of what we do and how we do it. I'm driven by emotions. That's just how I work. When I love, I love full heartedly and do all I can for the people I love - be it my best friend, my family etc.

But there comes a point in life when you ask yourself - what about me? My dad told me the other day, 'Joo Lee, it's your life.' The immediate thought that occurred to me was 'what do I do if my whole life revolves around the people in it, not myself?' You get torn between doing what you want and what others want. It's like a balancing act that isn't about you. It's about how your decisions affect people and your support group. I'm very much influenced by the moods of those around me. Yes, I do have my off days but if my peppy best friend comes by and is all happy go lucky, I'm back to my crazy self. Many people think sometimes I'm moody when I'm quiet. That's far from the truth. I'm basically at that point when I'm merely just lost in thought because I over analyse everything and everyone. A person has many faces and sides to his or her personality. I just try to be happy all the time so as a result, when there's a sudden subdued version of myself, people panic.

It's been a long hard year - this 2012. And it's only reaching mid year. I have many decisions to make. It seems like the ones I have to make now are those that basically mould my future and myself as a person. How far do I go for someone? Is it the right decision? One thing I fear though is regret. I hate what ifs and what could have beens. I always say the book cannot continue until the chapter is complete. That's how I feel - that many of the stories in this chapter are not complete and right. You want to make it right. You want it to end the way you always envisioned it. But the sad thing about life is that sometimes you're not the author even though it is your life. Things can only go your way if those involved choose to act the way you want them to.

So, if right now you have decisions to make and regrets to avoid - what is the point where you just let it all go? When is it the right time to say 'okay, maybe it's time to do what I want!' Many people insist on following what we think is right but it's much easier said than done. The decisions you make affect others. The emotions involve in letting go and just walking away are much harder to face than the ones you endure when you hold on.  Life is what you make it? Life is what we want it to be? I don't know. It's something that I have been forced to face. Where is the line drawn between loving yourself and putting yourself first as compared to loving others and thinking about others before yourself? That's the big question now.

That question then dictates what I want to do. Right now, it's a big old question mark. I want to make people happy. But I want to be happy. Is there not an area between the black and white that can favour both? I don't want to be in the grey area either because that's just plain uncertainty! Can you imagine living your life everyday with uncertainty? That's what I wake up to everyday for the past month plus.

One thing is for sure as of now, I got a big dose of reality. I'm in the grey area and honestly, I'm sick and tired of it. I'm tired of having to take everyone's feelings into consideration when no one thinks about my feelings or what I want. I'm tired of people walking over my head and just taking advantage of the fact I'm nice and sympathetic. I'm tired of not knowing what I want and listening to what others want instead. Can everyone just make up their mind and not be so indecisive? Maybe then it'll be so much easier for me to just get on with a decision and stick to it with a clear mind.

I have to choose; myself or everyone else. The scary thing is I'm a person that once I walk away and make a  decision - I stick to it.

XoXo,
Jules

The Path Onto A New Chapter

I got rejected by the National University of Singapore.

Talk about being blunt and straight to the point, right? I kind of expected it really. I laughed when I saw the email. And amazingly... I'm not the least bit upset. How surprising. I mean maybe it's cause I didn't place my hopes up. Okay maybe I didn't have hopes at all. Also, if I were to choose to go to Singapore to pursue my studies, my choice university would be the Singapore Management University which I have yet to hear from. I've become indifferent to what the outcome is actually. Honestly, it may seem like I already set my mind in going to the UK and I know if the university (SMU, that is) decides to not accept me, I have another solid and very appealing option already in the works.

I did also get my SAT results back too. I got a 1810. Well, I don't know what that means exactly but I know I killed my writing section. I got a 11 out of 12 for my essay and scored within the 91% of the National Percentile of people who sat for the test. I think that's good. But, SMU did state that I should at least get a 1900 to have a competitive advantage. It was the darn Mathematics section that screwed me up. I haven't done a math equation in like 3 to 4 years and then suddenly I need to recall all that I forgotten back? All I have to say is that for someone who didn't even know what the SATs were and had to study on her own for more or less a month, I did okay. Once again, I've taken on a nonchalant attitude towards the whole scenario. If SMU sends me a rejection letter, all I have to do is apply to HELP University and that's it.

Honestly speaking, I could do that now and have a plan set in motion. I don't really have to want to go to Singapore anymore anyway. So, what is holding me back? I think it's the fact that I don't want to apply to HELP and then have an offer letter from SMU come to my doorstep or email. I want to have that option there if needed be I take it. It may be selfish and very much childish of me but I want the option to run if things here get rough. I'm a coward maybe but I'm just human I guess. It's because I've never had the chance or option to run away from things when they get hard or don't go my way. I've always put on a strong face and faced my challenges head on like any other adult would. Many would now think, 'Oh my God, this girl just turned 20. What kind of hardships would she have? She's barely started life.' That's very very true but everyone has their set of challenges that need to face. Yours and mine may be very different and it may seem like life has barely begun and I'm already complaining. But, we shouldn't judge. What I find to be difficult, you may find to be easy. Anyone and everyone no matter how old has to deal with things. Mine for myself, has just been very draining and tiring, just as yours has been for you.

Anyway, with that said, freedom and independence also are two things that I long for very much. That's what I'll get if I go to Singapore. Being the only girl and the youngest, I've been over protected my whole 20 years of life and I want to be able to make my own decisions. Basically, I want to be in control of my life. I need to breathe and stop being smothered. I love and am beyond appreciative for my support group and parents who have sheltered me and kept me from harm. But sometimes you just want to be break free and live life on your own terms. It may be scary at first but I think I need to learn a thing or two on my own which I won't be able to if everyone keeps trying to catch me before I fall.

These are just thoughts and wants that play 20% of my final decision. I may be emotionally driven but I do keep my brains in making decisions that affect my life.

I've weighed cost of both Singapore and a UK transfer degree. They are more or less the same when cost of living is taken into consideration as well as HELPs scholarship and Singapore's tuition grants. Also, the road beyond my degree has also been thought of. Choosing UK, I get a better and more relaxed studying university environment that makes the transition to studying the BAR much easier compared to Singapore's highly competitive setting that needs me to stay an extra 4 years to pay back the tuition grant and do a compulsory internship. Also, I need to ask when does my BAR or practice license come into play in Singapore? UK is much more appealing to a law student and opens up many doors especially in commonwealth countries.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Before I make any, I want to know what SMU says. And if they reject me, well, I was just meant to always go to HELP and UK.

For now, I just wait. *AIYO*

XoXo,
Jules

I Miss The Rain

My favorite weather: The Rain.

About two weeks ago, it was raining almost every day, cats and dogs and cows. My mom would be in her room screaming, 'DAMN IT! All the dirty clothes going to pile up! GAH!' My brothers would be cursing at the fact a huge storm implies all systems down on the computers and television. My dad? Dad wouldn't be at home. He'll be stuck some where in a bumper to bumper jam, getting stressed about work with his grouchy grumpy face that looks like a small boy who just dropped his ice cream. Me; I'll in my room relaxing and listening to the storm outside whilst daydreaming or most probably cuddled in my blanket, fast asleep.

Ever since I was a kid, I loved the rain. I loved listening to it. I loved walking in it. I loved looking at the drops fall. I even like songs about the rain. My rain anthem was Hilary Duff's Come Clean. 'Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams, let it wash away my sanity, cause I wanna hear the thunder, I wanna scream, let the rain fall down, I'm coming clean.' Recently, it rains more at night. (HEY! Maybe that's why I refuse to wake up early! It's always too comfortable cause of the rain!) 

Anyway, it stopped raining! And I miss the rain. I really do. Yeah, yeah. It may cause traffic jams and floods and technology especially Astro won't work and maybe a few accidents happen. Okay, the rain sounds depressing but in the rain's defense, accidents happen cause people drive too fast in the rain. 

The rain is so freeing. I remember once, my best friend back then and I went dancing in the rain for the first time when I was about 17. I felt all my stress go away. Plus, I felt sexy since for some reason, many think girls dancing in the rain is sexy. The day we buried my grandmother this year, two of my brothers and Sharm, my closest cousin went back to my place and just stood in the storm till we were drenched. It was a bittersweet moment for all of us.

The rain makes me feel relaxed and emotionally better. Some people get depressed when it rains though. That's sad. I enjoy getting a nice cup of tea on a rainy day with close friends or maybe in my room alone with a good movie. Don't be freaked but if I'm having a really bad day and it rains, I use to cry to just get it all out there. Or maybe just stay in bed the whole day. 

Plus, the rain makes me think a lot of good times and maybe broken friendships and lost loves. Stuff like that. It gets me all reflective on life and maybe a bit more appreciative. It strips away everything we distract ourselves with. Technology, going somewhere, watching something. We're so simple when it rains. Oh, and the rain reminds me of times spent with special people. I might get a dog and name it Rain.

But two exceptions, I can't drive the way I usually do when it rains. All fast and sexy. And I DO NOT like the Korean singer, Rain. He's... annoying.

xoxo,

Jules

Procrastination at its best

I've been bumming around since the month of April and it's starting to get to me. Yeah, I spent the month studying for the SATs and maybe partying around. At least I was doing something last month and I think I was still active. Waking up earlier and stuff like that.

This month of May is a whole other level, I swear. I've always been a productive person and someone who has to do something everyday whether it's just running on the treadmill to get a good work out. Or just reading a book. These days.. I do.. well.. NOTHING. And no, watching God knows how many romantic comedies and Hindi movies is not counted as something productive to do.

I don't even exercise anymore or control my diet. For those who know me, that is so huge cause for the past like three years, I've taken down what I eat and made sure I worked out at least four times a week. My days are simple now. I wake up at like 4pm, look for food, maybe shower, watch television, eat, lay in bed with the computer and then sleep at about 7am then do it all over again. I do believe in the occasional sleeping the whole day just so you can days but key word: occasional.

I go out every now and then just to get myself sane and I spend money. Money that is suppose to be in a savings account. Simple accounts: money go out while no money goes it makes money less. A lot less. =( So now, I basically am becoming broke. And gaining weight like a big old elephant. This is not good! I get so bored. It doesn't help that summer break is like in two weeks in the US and all the shows that I watch will be going on hiatus/break so I won't have anything to watch for the next few months.

So, why am I overly free and suddenly so lazy? I have no freaking idea! University admissions have come to a standstill since I'm still waiting for Singapore to accept or decline me and it is taking forever. I could just send HELP my application and be getting ready to enter classes in about a month which would be cool. I miss studying. I miss having something to do. Universities need to a little more considerate to those waiting applicants whose life basically becomes blank while waiting for their yes or no.

The only thing I do that's productive is my mandarin classes every Thursday but that too will end next week if I choose not to do the next level. I don't know if I should. If I even want to. My brother is all for it and so is my dad but I don't want to. Maybe I'm just sooo lazy. Oh my God! What's happening to me!?

That is it! Tomorrow I'm waking up at 10.30am and figuring this out. I WILL work out tomorrow if it's the last thing I do! Gah, bed, why do you have to be so comfortable. Weather, why do you have to tempt me to sleep?!

I'm going to go crazy if I keep succumbing to laziness. Go away procrastination. Shoo! GO AWAY!

I miss the old Joo Lee. I miss only being able to sleep four hours a day cause my schedule is so packed. And I seriously pity my circle of people especially Sara. She has to deal with my random texts and calls screaming I miss you! And she has a job that keeps her on her feet for 9 hours. I have such a good best friend!

Oh, and you know you've become too free and bored when you signed up for a twitter account, are online for 20 hours on facebook and start stalking people and randomly saying hi.

XoXo,
Jules