It's been five years since I've blogged, more or less. I don't know why I choose this moment to start writing again. Maybe because I need something to just fill up my time or maybe because I just miss writing. Who knows?
I turned twenty this year. The majority think the big two one is more important than twenty. But for me, the huge fat TWO in my age makes a difference.. 21 is when you're an adult. When you're 19, you're still have the teen in your age. So what is twenty? Something to think about is it not? =) Anyway, every new years, I throw out a prediction of how the year is going to be, just for the heck of it. They amazingly do come true, somewhat. For 2012, I said 'this year is the year of major changes'. Boy, was I right.
So where am I in my life? In the beginning of the year, I got dumped. Yup, right on 2nd of January. Talk about a way to start the year. I wouldn't call it a relationship cause it lasted as long as Britney Spear's first marriage (72 hours I think). From that moment on, it was all focus on myself and what I want to do this year. I mean, I had so much on my plate already so why add on a complicated relationship that might not even last what, 6 months?
I was waiting for my A Level results and had nothing to do so I went and got a job which was pretty decent. Good pay for someone who didn't have a degree or corporate experience. Two days before my results came out and my dad's 59th birthday, my paternal grandmother passed away suddenly after two weeks in the hospital following a major heart attack. I felt like kicking myself. It was the first time I had to live with the what ifs and the should haves, could haves, would haves. Damn, I don't think I'm a bad person but it's the part where I could have been a better person that messes with my mind. One minute I had a grandmother, the next I didn't. It made me realize that I was holding on to a lot of things I should have let go long time ago. And when I laid my beloved to rest, I laid many other things to rest too. My family especially the cousins became closer and I didn't feel any ill feelings anymore. I felt.. free and at ease. Honestly, when she first passed, I was angry. Why couldn't she have held on till my dad's birthday was over? Why now? Call me selfish, I'm human. But.. well, these kind of things don't have any explanations do they? At least now she's reunited with her husband after 40 years apart. And the amount of prayers we say for her, I wouldn't be surprised if she went on the express train to heaven when she passed.
My A Levels results came out on my dad's birthday. They were okay results in my mind. Could have done better but what's done is done. I became all psyched about leaving and going overseas. Trust me, good results tend to be the ticket out of anywhere. I never had the urge to leave Malaysia but when you're given a real option to leave, you get engrossed with the idea. Currently, I'm still waiting for my replies. I just sat for my SATs which was a prerequisite to one of the universities. I quit my job to study for the SATs because I had no idea what the whole exam was about. The only problem is when you have so much time and as the date gets nearer to leaving, things change.
Life is never stagnant. It changes, sometimes overnight, sometimes longer. Mine decided to do the whole up down sideways thing. Do I really want to leave my home? I never did before, I was content. It doesn't help that now I feel that if I go, I'm giving up more than I would gain. It doesn't help that things that I wanted in the past now seem possible in attaining. It doesn't help that I found people who I love greatly and could never imagine my life without; yes that means you my best friend for life, Sara Bubba! I can easily do a UK Transfer Degree Program and buy myself two more years here then do a year overseas in the UK, widen my options rather than go to Singapore and have my road end there. Wouldn't the UK be much more of an eye opener than somewhere similar to what I already have?
There are many decisions to make this year. Many that are basically going to affect my whole future. I'm excited and terrified and absolutely torn. I don't know what should be done and what I should do. Do what I want or do what others want me to do? Yeah, it's my life but my life.. even though it may seem like it did, never revolved around me.
So.. Now what? This is what I call turning twenty!
XoXo,
Jules
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