Emotions

I've always been the type to put my heart on my sleeve. I always felt like I had so much love to give but no one to give it to. I gave it to people who needed it but just momentarily. My brother says I get attracted to broken people because I think I can fix them. He might be right but then again, when is he not?

We always want people to meet us halfway as it takes two to tango and two hands to clap. Sometimes though, we tend to go further than what we should and we reach a point where we aren't just waiting for a dance partner, we are literally teaching them to dance or we aren't just holding out a high five, we're taking the other person's hand and asking them to clap with you. We give everything to people and they become the centre of what we do and how we do it. I'm driven by emotions. That's just how I work. When I love, I love full heartedly and do all I can for the people I love - be it my best friend, my family etc.

But there comes a point in life when you ask yourself - what about me? My dad told me the other day, 'Joo Lee, it's your life.' The immediate thought that occurred to me was 'what do I do if my whole life revolves around the people in it, not myself?' You get torn between doing what you want and what others want. It's like a balancing act that isn't about you. It's about how your decisions affect people and your support group. I'm very much influenced by the moods of those around me. Yes, I do have my off days but if my peppy best friend comes by and is all happy go lucky, I'm back to my crazy self. Many people think sometimes I'm moody when I'm quiet. That's far from the truth. I'm basically at that point when I'm merely just lost in thought because I over analyse everything and everyone. A person has many faces and sides to his or her personality. I just try to be happy all the time so as a result, when there's a sudden subdued version of myself, people panic.

It's been a long hard year - this 2012. And it's only reaching mid year. I have many decisions to make. It seems like the ones I have to make now are those that basically mould my future and myself as a person. How far do I go for someone? Is it the right decision? One thing I fear though is regret. I hate what ifs and what could have beens. I always say the book cannot continue until the chapter is complete. That's how I feel - that many of the stories in this chapter are not complete and right. You want to make it right. You want it to end the way you always envisioned it. But the sad thing about life is that sometimes you're not the author even though it is your life. Things can only go your way if those involved choose to act the way you want them to.

So, if right now you have decisions to make and regrets to avoid - what is the point where you just let it all go? When is it the right time to say 'okay, maybe it's time to do what I want!' Many people insist on following what we think is right but it's much easier said than done. The decisions you make affect others. The emotions involve in letting go and just walking away are much harder to face than the ones you endure when you hold on.  Life is what you make it? Life is what we want it to be? I don't know. It's something that I have been forced to face. Where is the line drawn between loving yourself and putting yourself first as compared to loving others and thinking about others before yourself? That's the big question now.

That question then dictates what I want to do. Right now, it's a big old question mark. I want to make people happy. But I want to be happy. Is there not an area between the black and white that can favour both? I don't want to be in the grey area either because that's just plain uncertainty! Can you imagine living your life everyday with uncertainty? That's what I wake up to everyday for the past month plus.

One thing is for sure as of now, I got a big dose of reality. I'm in the grey area and honestly, I'm sick and tired of it. I'm tired of having to take everyone's feelings into consideration when no one thinks about my feelings or what I want. I'm tired of people walking over my head and just taking advantage of the fact I'm nice and sympathetic. I'm tired of not knowing what I want and listening to what others want instead. Can everyone just make up their mind and not be so indecisive? Maybe then it'll be so much easier for me to just get on with a decision and stick to it with a clear mind.

I have to choose; myself or everyone else. The scary thing is I'm a person that once I walk away and make a  decision - I stick to it.

XoXo,
Jules